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I THOUGHT THIS BEING THE LAST DAY OF EXAMS WAS SUPPOSED TO RELIEVE STRESS, NOT THE CONTRARY

January 12, 2012 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Other

Comments:
i hate people. i hate grades. i hate the way everyones' sole focus is college and assume mine is the same. i hate everything. i just hate the worlddddd!
so yeah, you could say i had a bad day.
i don't even know where to start. everythings falling to pieces. today just pushed me over the edge. i could deal with things all week, all month actually, but today, well today .... im just so freakin mad, angry, and pissed, mixed with the confused, disheartened, and dissapointed hopelessness. ok, i guess i'll just tackle what happened today because i just cant handle the rest.

so i calmly get thru my morning routine, calmly reviewing for my most frustrating class (french). i get to school and suddenly have a panic attack: where the is my teacher! i thought i'd made special arangements with my teacher to take it early, but then i realized that i hadnt confirmed it (ie she'd probably forgotten). two freaking hours later of panicking and rushing around, she finally gets there (late, of course). (to be fair, she got stuck in traffic) most of the test is as expected. and then the essay...how am i supposed to have intelligent thoughts (about a book in FRENCH) when im in a test situation silently panicking in my head and then translate them into that language without a dictionary, keeping in mind that this has to be in normal essay format - intro, body paragraphs, conclusion paragraph -!!!!!! (please excuse my language).
so yeah, my morning royally SUCKED.

my lunch break wasnt very much enjoyable either. i was done with all my exams, but my stomach told me otherwise. i just wanted to thro the nerves as far as i possibly could!!!!!! too bad nerves arent tangible.

then i had 3 hours to kill, alone, very alone. i did have a good book, and for at least a little while, i enjoyed the uninterrupted quiet time.
until...
the principle...
told me about my 2nd semester situation...
i put my book down and never picked it up again. i listened. i froze with incomprehension. like i said, this was my last straw.
final decision: fine for me to drop french, but theres absolutely no classes for me to take instead! i cant do the independent study - which i completely understand the final decision about why - but this was just my last straw. im SO SICK OF BEING DISCOURAGED. i thought this was a school that ENCOURAGED learning. and thats just not how i feel right now. everyone i keep talking to just keeps bringing up the fact that colleges wont rly care that im only taking 4 classes esp since one of them is double-period. but why the do i care about college, and what the hell am i gunna do with myself for THREE PERIODS. im already finding myself bored with 2 free periods. like i remember how this has gone in the past when i get bored and unproductive - terribly. it sucked. it was a disaster. there's proof. I JUST WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING. WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. and half the people dont understand the extent to which i'll be bored cauz they say i can use the time to raise my grades - but im rly not that interested in raising my !!!! grades - and its not like extra time'll help anyway, cauz i already have more than enough time for homework (hence, i go to bed !!!!!!! 8:30 on a regular basis), not to mention i just cant perform on tests. i just cant. extra study time just isn't the answer. all my life and im still in the same place. nerves are my worst enemy (esp math - I HATE NUMBERS, I HATE PLUGGING STUPID ! NUMBERS INTO A SILLY STUPID CALCULATOR). I HATE BEING NERVOUS. I !!!!!! HATE IT. MAKE IT STOPPP. me+test=fail. but me+learning=happy, engaged, interested...!!!! THIS SHOULD NOT BE THAT DIFFICULT!

then basketball practice...I JUST WANTED THE SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TILL MY THROAT FORCED ME TO STOP. I WANTED TO GRAB THE CLOSEST OBJECT AND HURL IT AS HARD AS I POSSIBLY COULD TOWARDS WHATEVER STOOD IN FRONT OF ME. I JUST WANTED TO PUNCH THE WALL, AND JUST KEEP PUNCHING UNTIL MY KNUCKLES BLEED. I WANTED TO KICK THE FLOOR, AND KEEP KICKING UNTIL MY TOE BROKE. I WANTED TO TAKE MY BAG AND JUST RIP IT TO PIECES.
but i didn't.
i knew i couldnt.
instead, i just collapsed. fell to the floor and just lied there, knowing the the tears wouldn't come in public.
i let a little anger out on the ball - as much as i could without drawing attention to myself, which wasnt much. running around helped, but what i really wanted was to go on an actual run. i wanted to bolt out the gym and smash open the 42nd street doors, turn right, and just run, screaming and shouting all the way. i wished i could just let myself go insane for a couple hours.
but i couldn't.
practice went on as usual. i barely kept up. i was so tired from dealing with life that i have absolutely no idea what my coaches were telling me most of the time. i just couldnt take in any more of anything. the mental energy that just kept driving me in circles destroyed any capacity i had to practice as usual.
at the end of practice, i felt an odd urge to goof around. i just wanted to actually DO something. something that wasn't me thinking about everything that made me absolutely insane. i wanted someone to make me smile. i wanted to make a three-point shot. maybe actually learn how to do that trick where you swing the ball around your back. or do ANYTHING. maybe even find a little confidence in me somewhere to drive away some of those nerves and anxieties. i did find i tiny drop left. and my sanity started to resurface.

its a couple hours later. i come home to my dad telling me to take the trash out BEFORE i shower. i tell him im doing it AFTER. aggrivated, i stomp upstairs just wanting to do something MY way. just today i wanted something to MY way.

ok, i feel a little better now. i just have to figure out some way to keep myself productive next semester. i'll deal with the rest next week. next semester.

ps. yes i totally went back and edited this entry to substitute some language with exclamation points...