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all sealed up

January 26, 2012 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 50s? not sunny

Comments:
i resolved to an exercise machine in the weight room. i opened my book to page 1 and jammed in my headphones. but i couldnt focus on the words on the page; i knew i woudn't be able to. i couldn't even listen to the music; i knew i woudn't be able to. my mind was playing its own convoluted story in sharp, unpredictable spurts that streamed into a horrific lull of music - as if someone had played fast forward and pause, fast forward and pause, fast forward and pause, so quickly that the two phases became undistinguishable.

i couldnt force the memory away. it was still a fresh memory. id been trying let people in - i told a friend here and a friend there a piece of the story, a piece of what was going on in my life, often bordering along what frightened my most, keeping that to myself. the words just couldnt come. i didnt know how to let them in.
there's so much to deal with, that can't be dealt with. i've tried to just move on - but that's lead me to the same place, and the problem keeps resurfacing, all the more deafening each time, making it harder and harder to hear my thoughts, hear myself, see myself.
thats why i'd been trying to let people in, let them help me. but i couldn't. there was always the piece of the story i couldn't tell this person or that person.
this time, the problem had rebounded back so hard that it fractured wall of tense energy around me. i ran before anyone could see the bricks tumble from my shoulders. i'd been horribly desiring it to fall for so long, but i just couldn't let it. as i wiped a drop away, i felt the walls rebuild around me, harder this time, sturdier this time.
as i slowly walked out into the light, i felt weak. so terribly weak.

i tore the earbuds from ears with one quick jolt, slammed my book shut, and walked right out the door.
i allowed my legs to lead me outside. i feared where my mind would take me. i feared the wandering mindset that the run would bring.
i tied my shoes. i pulled my sweatshirt over my head.
i lifted my knee. the first step. i felt the breeze. i cautiously allowed the strained muscle between my ears to pulse. the movie began playing again. on fast forward. pause. fast forward. pause. with my nose cold and the numbness coming over me, it gave me enough clarity, enough determination, to write this entry now. it softened the edges of the wall, but i knew it wasnt coming down. it was still strong, my frail body still recovery. i felt the fiercely determined protection settle within me, around me.