View Workout (Tim Smith)

Return to Log

Schenley Park Run/ The End of Season Report

April 26, 2009 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 85 Sunny

Comments:
I felt really, really awful. I was dying after a mile, I felt like puking, my calves hurt, my stomach hurt, my vagina hurt, I was in Pittsburgh, I wasted the last month of running, I embarassed myself in the meet, I have been sucking in school too, and I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. I spent the bus ride back considering quitting.

Well that's all for track season. It started so well and I let it go. I started but I never finished. I'm not really in good shape right now either. For the first time in a while, it seems clear to me now-- I am a total waste of talent. I know I can do better than I have recently. I am a waste of the team's money even coming here if I run like that. A part of me just wants to let it go, but I know I can't. Letting it go too quick means I don't care, which is the heart of my problems. I don't deserve to be happy right now.

When I look at this season as a whole, I see the success I had as a complete darkhorse, coming from nowhere, surprising everyone including myself, and see the failure of when I got complacent. Once I lost the fire and will to improve myself, everything fell apart quicker than I could have ever imagined. Once things start going wrong, its very, very hard for me to turn them around. I tend to magnify my problems and repeat my mistakes until they consume me.

Ahead of me now, I can see a long dark, difficult road ahead. I know this will be a long, hard summer. I know I need to be disciplined in my time off, to strike contrast with my total lack of discipline for the last month. But I know accepting whatever challenges lay ahead, however tough they may be is the way out of the ditch I've driven myself into. I am in a hole and now it is finally time to stop digging.