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Stating The Obvious In Way Too Many Words

November 3, 2018 (Morning)

Exercise Type: Run

Comments:
Beware that this log is very rambling and doesn't really express anything I'm trying to say, but I spent a really long time writing it so please read it!

I've been putting off writing this log because I don't know how to sum up the beauty of a race, of this season, or 4 incredible seasons. I don't feel prepared to put into words how much this team means to me, how much it has changed me as a person, and how much I'm going to miss it. But the season really is over, and at some point I should try to get some thoughts down while they're still fresh in my mind.

First, States because that's more straightforward. Got to Kenilworth after a fun bus ride of seeing pictures of HS Simonson who looked very young. Seniors were surprised by very sweet signs made by the rest of the team which made me feel very happy. Started the warmup pretty soon after getting there with Lauren and Myles and the huge group of girls in my race. It was super duper windy, but a gorgeous blue sky and not too cold. Running felt super hard though with the wind against us. Finished our warmup and got to the line with enough time. Had a nice little hype group huddle after some striders and just made me feel the love of this team so strongly. Then after we stripped down they made us stand around getting cold for 5+ mins for no good reason before the race started.

I decided to start off a little more conservatively than usual because I didn't want a repeat of championships. Found myself near Sophie Axelrod which was fun because I haven't gotten to race with her this season. I expected that to be a good pace for me, but she's had such a great season of training that after we caught up to Jenna and Bita (and all ran together for a minute which was so nice!) she and Bita started to pull away. I hung onto Jenna, though, knowing that I would not have nearly enough motivation without a teammate nearby. I'm so glad I stuck with Jenna because throughout the next 2 miles, she helped me so much. She was so steady and determined, and I kept falling a few steps behind her, and thinking "no, I have to stay next to her" and catching back up. This continued until about 3 mins from the end of the race, when after hearing Matt cheer, I got a bit of extra motivation and pulled away from Jenna to pass a Sidwell girl and then got close to catching Lucia. In that final S curve, Mark kept yelling to go for it, that it was my last race, to really dig deep, and I kinda disregarded all of that. I knew throughout the race that I could have pushed harder if I'd wanted to, but I kind of didn't. I wanted to have a last race that I could enjoy and not be in so much pain that I just wanted it to end. I think, in the past, I've sometimes struggled with believing in myself enough in races. That's something I definitely want to explore more in the next two seasons for track. However, I don't think that's what was going on in this race. It wasn't necessarily a lack of motivation, but more a conscious decision to race on my own terms. I had some control over my race and was able to be happy with myself within the context of how I let myself race. Also, I ran 2:40 faster than DCXC, so I'm pretty happy with that in whatever context.

Although running often makes me feel so strong, it also sometimes makes me feel powerless. I have no control over when my shins hurt—I have no idea how much running will cause me pain or how much pain is too much. I did everything I could over the summer to repeat what I'd done the summer before that made last xc season so good, but for whatever reason that is beyond my understanding, it didn't work out the same at all. It's been really frustrating not being able to run. I haven't run more than 12 miles in a week since mid August. I wish that I could have really dug my teeth into workouts and glided my way through steady runs with friends. I wish I could have had a truly amazing race. Third Battle was that except for my stupidity in the last minute of the race. See aforementioned lack of belief in myself. However, yet again, my shins took control and I was left at their mercy. I'm used to it at this point, but it's hard to not be angry sometimes. I love this team more than I ever thought possible and I wish I could just enjoy every aspect of it. This log is starting to sound super angry and it's not meant to be. I'm being too inarticulate, but there's kinda no going back after 5 paragraphs.

What I actually want to say, is that 4 years on this team has been such a blessing. It has taught me more about myself than any other single thing in my life. I really can't express what I've learned right now, but maybe I'll write something else in a few days when I'm not tired and can express myself better. For now, I'll just say that this team makes me feel whole. It makes me feel like I belong which has been a rare thing for me lately. It gives me motivation to get through the day because I know just how much love is waiting for me at 3:45. I'm so grateful that I do belong here. I'm grateful for every last teammate and coach that has contributed to the amazing team dynamic this season. I'm grateful to share this team with so many alums that I've never met, but who I feel connected to. I'm grateful for a lifelong love of running that this team has given me. I don't know what my running future looks like (after the next 2 seasons of track), and it's super scary that this could have been my last xc race ever, but I do know that I will never ever fully leave this team. When you find something this amazing in life, you have to hold onto it forever. It would be crazy to let it go, and I'm not crazy. I don't know who I'd be or how I would have gotten through life without this team by my side. To any future runners who might be running-log obsessed enough to get all the way to the bottom of this jumbled mess of a log, please stick around. You're in for an amazing ride. (Also please know that I'm usually more articulate than this). :)