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Well That Was Definitely Interesting

January 3, 2011 (Night)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 30

Comments:
Started out on my run, felt great. My legs felt fresh from running low mileage the last two days and felt good aerobically and not sick. Then I got about 2.5 in and my stomach started to churn a little bit. I was hungry since I hadn't eaten for just a few hours. I figured it would pass. As the run progressed the pain steadily grew and spread to pretty much all of my intestines. I felt horrible. But I was only about 4 miles out and was at least 3 miles from my house so I decided to just suck it up, hope it passes, and finish the run. Running down Sandusky street in utter pain, I passed this woman walking her enormous Irish Wolfhound (or some other huge shaggy breed) and thought nothing of it. I then hear a scream. I look back and this gigantic dog had yanked itself free from it's owner (pulling the woman down in the process) and was now chasing after me. I, not feeling in any condition to successfully flee from a large dog, just stop and pray that I am not viciously mauled to death, and if I am, that I die before my intestines explode out the back of me in the middle of downtown Delaware. Fortunately enough the beast stopped dead right in front of me and proceeded to lick the sweat off of my arms. The woman caught up (she was fine) and re-apprehended her animal. So I continued on my way. Mind you, I still feel like one of the people from the movie Alien with the thing growing inside of me that could burst through my ribcage at any moment. I finally just decide I need to take a break, so I pull off into this alley between two houses on Liberty St. I catch my breathe and then in an attempt to expel as much pressure from my abdomen as possible without taking the time to defecate in a bush. I start bending my body in all different ways and pushing on my gut to force gas out one way or another. Its actually working, but then a light comes on in the house next to me. Startled, I look over and see an equally startled man staring at me through the glass. Not knowing exactly what to do, I took off running. Now I probably left this man rather perplexed about what I was doing in the alley beside his house. I'm now waiting to see a report on the news or in the paper about an attempted robbery or even a peeking-Tom, but we'll see. So I'm heading for home and feeling marginally better, and then it happens. With about two miles left I just start farting like I had a cork in my ass my entire life bottling up my flatulence and just now popped it. I swear I was letting farts go for easily a half a mile. If only I had thought to count them it would be a staggering number. Ontko would be proud. But after the last piece of cheese was cut, I finished my run without incidence and much more comfortably. The End.