View Workout (lila klopfenstein)
My life story
May 13, 2011 (Morning)
Exercise Type: Run
Comments:
**very very very long and really is my life story so the meet stuff is the last 500 words or so if you would like to skip there then by all means go ahead.
Yesterday was the 2nd worst day of my life. How do I even begin… well, this day has been brewing for a quite while it didn’t just start here or yesterday morning or even at the beginning of the season it began with the…4.0 failure. Sounds dramatic, I know, but to me that the end. It was the only major failure I had since… I began high school. Life since my trip to Korea in the summer before high school was a ton of achievement and nearly no failure. As a freshman at Renaissance while all my friends struggled with the homework load I had this new resolve which was un-present in middle school and ended the 1st semester with a 4.0. I finished state cross country freshman year at a dangerous 104 pounds, but I didn’t care because in my mind I didn’t have time to eat. I had to study run, study, run, study, run, and attend other obligations. Facebook was an aberration and I eliminated nearly all sugar from my diet. However, throughout all this craziness I was happy, happier than I ever had been in middle school because I was achieving. I was so surprised that I could do all this and I didn’t want it to end. So during the winter break I gained some weight back and trained hard for track. Track was blissfully perfect. I had a PR at every single track meet. I couldn’t be stopped. If I ran the 2 mile, the 800 meter, the mile I was invincible, that was how I felt. If you’ve seen the trailer for Limitless I was the guy on the pill. I saw, I felt, I conquered and I was happy. The summer came and I tried to keep the same insane schedule I kept during the year. Everyday I worked for my dad no matter how I felt, hell if there really was any work to be done. I didn’t exactly enjoy it but it made me whole in a way. However, I was running out of steam. It’s ironic but this whole time I had a Google background that said “eat my streak” well my streak was wavering. I would get extremely frustrated at insignificant things, I began to fret how I wasn’t studying for my SAT’s…I was a freshman. So I enter cross country season sophomore year, and Sora wasn’t there. Of course, I knew that she wouldn’t be there but I was trying to fill her place in the team, as team glue I guess. Well, I’m not Sora so obviously that didn’t work but I would still worry and wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning all the time wondering if the team was bonding or not, was everyone included? Was Rusty happy? These worries transformed into bad races where I would get really frustrated at everything but I did the hard thing that I haven’t been doing this season, I chose not to fail because in some way I was still trying to be Sora for the team. I had to be fast for the team. So, I forced my mind to focus and I ran the district race as best I could, everyone did, and the girls’ team went to State. Well, State was awful, to say the least. So I signed up for NXN as a redeeming race. In the middle of NXN I remember giving up. I lost my reasons for why I ran but I pulled out of my funk during the final mile for myself and mostly Rusty. Now we are finally to the part of my story where the big failure comes in. I was getting so tired of pain and hard work. The work would still pay off but I would come home from practice and beat myself up for not running hard in practice and not doing my homework properly and not studying, all these ridiculous things until my grade report came back and I had all A’s and one 89% in math. I kind of blew it over as just a B, but deep inside I felt that “hell with it, if I can’t be good anymore what’s the point of even trying.” And I quit. My grades slipped to A’s and B’s, I ate as much cake and cookies and crap as I could, I often skipped practice to hang out with my friends. Running lost its joy and oh, how I complained: The weather, my teachers, my legs, food, my coaches. I lost my life and I didn’t care. I gave up on the season before it even started because I didn’t want to try. I remember what I told Rusty after my really bad Wes Lowe meet. “Once you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up.” And I believed that, I still do. I trust myself and I know this “low” won’t be forever because I won’t let it be forever, it’s who I am. but I need to take control. I need to not give up.
Yesterday during the mile I was coming into the final 200 and I said to myself “lila you need to run a dying race.” But I remember thinking “you already gave up by the 2nd lap what’s the point in trying now?” And it’s true but I was having a pity party with myself. So I remember finishing and cheering on Nicole, my Borah buddy, and laughing about how badly I did with everyone until my mom told me “Lila, it’s ok to cry.” And then I really just wanted to cry. But I didn’t. So I went on a cool down with the guys and when we return I go to the stands to get my stuff when I realize that everyone is gone. My parents had told me to find a ride but I didn’t. I was obviously not thinking. So I looked at the empty stands and all I wanted to do was to sit down and just give up. I thought “this is the worst day of my life, what am I going to do now.” I had no cell phone so I told myself to first find a cell phone and call my house. So I go to Mountain View’s team and I ask for a phone and this girl, Bethany, gives me her phone and I call my house but my parents aren’t home yet. Well, she heard that I was without a ride and said “hey we can give you a ride.” So I end up hanging out with Mountain View’s team for a while and then Katie Larson took me home. Holy cow, I am so grateful to have people like that around. I had no idea what I was going to do and none of them knew me very well and to help me out well, it was one of the nicest things ever. So naturally, I think very highly of the Mtn. View team now. But, even if I didn’t find Mtn. View I am nearly positive that I would have found someone else to help me and that is what I want to take away from yesterday. That people care. No matter how awful I felt I knew that someone would look out for me. All I needed was to calm down and look around me and where I was wasn’t so bad. So here I am crying as I write this but I’m crying because I am so happy that people care. And I think about how many people have cared for me this season. Brice man showed up for Bandana and I don’t think I have laughed that hard before a race but it made my race (800 prelim) the best one of the season. Aaron, thank you for really doing your best with me this season, for sticking through it all with me, it’s been hard I think for both of us. Heidi, thank you for also sticking through the season with me, thanks to you I am actually eating healthier now. Thank you to my team and all the people I’ve met this season you guys really made the running worth it when it was frustrating, hard, and painful. Meghan, Rachael, and Chris I will miss you guys so much. It’s been such an honor to run with all of you guys these past 2 years. We’ve grown and come so far together and I will miss you all terribly. So finally at the end of this ridiculously long entry, this isn’t the end there’s still one more race. And I won’t be redeeming myself out there I won’t be racing for time, place, medal, I’ll be racing because it’s a part of me, it makes me whole. I’ll be racing for the joy of running finally because lord knows after such a season it’s all I can do. It’s finally time to Be, or as Meghan would say “I just Am.”