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au etc

May 4, 2011 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 60 cloudy sort of raining and sunny at the same time

Comments:
jog to au, in a bad mood after the insane AP Calc exam. anthony wanted me to go steady since i'm racing friday, but I really didn't want to just be alone with my thoughts so I persuaded him to let me "time"/pace in the workout, which was 4x200. i think i was kinda helpful pacing wise, but I'm not even sure...and I got nothing out of it for myself because I wasn't focused, wasn't putting anything into it. on the last pickup, i was really excited to be pushing tessa and emma m, but then they responded and picked it up in the curve and I got scared that I wouldn't be able to keep up with them and everyone was watching so I just jogged and blew it off like I didn't care. I also (retardedly) didn't check my watch to tell them their times, so I don't know what they actually ran, which is dumb because my entire job was to be timing. (I think i guesstimated pretty well, but that's not the point)...I'm really annoyed at myself for losing focus so much, not doing anything useful, and for blowing off that last 50 meters. who do i think I am, pretending to be too good for their workout? and funny how what I was covering up is that I'm afraid they're better than me. i should know by now that we all have talent that we bring to the team, and it doesn't have to be a competition where I prove myself all the time. i have to save that for the races...and then i better damn well run a good race after all this stupid bluffing and acting cool and stuff. but i'm worried because I don't know if i can...I've been thinking about splits way too much since I've run the 2mile so many times this year (since it's the only thing i'm remotely good at), and i'm scaring myself...I woke up with a dream last night that I was running on the AU track with the fast girls (I think it was tess and julia) and we were gonna run a 400 and they both had spikes and I was like "well spikes are good since they're light, so I'd be even better off totally barefoot" so I took my shoes off and tried to run the 400 barefoot but my feet were like stuck to the track for a second each time I put them down and I couldn't catch them and the gap got wider and wider...and then I woke up. It was horrible. i just want so badly to be good at this sport since I gave up my last one and so much of my life/time/energy for it, and I feel slow. my thighs look fat. I'll never run a sub 60 400, or even a sub 70 400..it's all I can do to run one at 80! how can I ever do anything brilliant if I can't even run two good miles in a row? taking my calc exam today in the wrestling room i was staring at julia ernst's name on the record board...she's only a freshman and she's already uber-talented in TWO sports...I put my heart and soul into this running shindig and all I end up with is shin splints and a couple low-rank medals. I don't even help my teammates, since I'm too spacy to remember to time them when I say I will. wtf am i doing...?
since anthony wanted me to do a 30-45 minute steady run, I added on a 12 minute jaunt down river road and thru the neighborhoods after we got back to school. i probably went miserably slow, like i wonder if I even covered a mile in that whole time. I doubt it. i feel like I'm giving up, and I'm so angry at myself for giving up, but then I try trying and it feels equally futile...10 days left of the season, I'm casually counting down the hours...WHYYY i don't understand i thought I loved running...