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time trials

May 18, 2011 (Afternoon)

Exercise Type: Run

Weather: 74 cloudy perfect running weather

Comments:
peter was a doll and paced me. i went out fine, then like slowed down for two laps because I'm a failure at life, and then negative splitted (splat?) and hit the time i was supposed to be running for all the 400s, and got 5:58 high which is total fail because that is my pr from winter and it would have been really nice to get faster. i'm frustrated, even though i know i shouldn't be...i mean yes there are people on the team who would love to be able to run that time, so i should be happy, but there are also an increasing number of people on the team who are so so so much faster than that, and i wish i could be too. when i joined this team even, sub6 was like godly...but now it feels like everyone's faster than me (julia, julia, alessa, sophie, nomi, tess, etc...) and wow cool who knows if I'll even be in the top 7 or be able to score for us in cross country season. i'm probably reading too much into the mile because it is different than a 5k, but hey, if someone is significantly faster than me in the mile, then it's logical that they'd be significantly faster running 3 miles also...i just wish I could be faster. I don't understand why i can't. I felt like I was pushing myself, it felt so hard, but i wonder if peter had run faster if I would have run faster to keep up too? i have no idea, i don't know what I can do, but I do know that lap 2 was some bullshit and if I can negative split in the last 2 laps of a mile then maybe i should be trying harder. is that it? is it just that nomi and tess and julia want it more? do i give up/give in too easily? maybe I just quit, and they keep digging...maybe if I ran till I vomited then I'd know where my limits were...maybe I'm just too tentative and weak...but I really don't know. i kind of don't want to know...because if it's not a matter of pushing myself but a matter of threshold of capability, then i'll be so upset because it's a wall i'll never get beyond...
i have no idea. i'm glad the season's over. i'm really done with running...
don't think i'm going to do the river run tomorrow. it just doesn't sound like fun.
i'll write back when i find something i'm good at....
kthanksbye